Beware Aspen homeowners! And their handlers and property management companies, for that matter. Criminals have been breaking into homes lately, and you could be next. 

The police are warning people and encouraging them to take precautions. Your current security system may not be enough, and the security companies must be psyched to see that the coppers are recommending adding second-floor motion sensors. This must be for when burglars break in via the upstairs balcony or do some Spiderman maneuvers to get in on the second floor. Second-floor motion sensors sound like something they might need to guard the Queen's crown while she's sipping tea at Buckingham Palace.

Unfortunately, they are also encouraging homeowners to use light timers, leave on lights or, worst of all, leave the TV on to give the illusion that someone is home. That's a lot of TVs and motion sensors if you are counting the 2,657 vacant units in Aspen. This number was revealed in the 2020 US Census, with vacant units apparently meaning vacation homes and short-term rentals.

In 2008, the Denver Post ran a story, “Big homes, a bigger mess.”

They cite data from the Sopris Foundation showing that, “Of the 5,858 residences in Aspen and adjacent areas of Pitkin County, 58% are vacation homes occupied just 88 days a year.” The article goes on to say that on average, each of these homes emits 606 pounds of carbon dioxide per day, compared with 144 pounds for the average (occupied) home. It notes that heated driveways, swimming pools, heated towel rods, hot tubs, snowmelt systems and lights left on round the clock collectively add up to 90,500 tons of carbon dioxide per year — 61% of Aspen's overall usage. 

I don't know about you, but I prefer my heated towel rods be on 24/7/365, just in case I ever come in to take a shower. Aspen is silly. And it would be funny if it were not so serious.

To say that Aspen has a bloated carbon footprint would be an understatement. Luxury has its impacts but most are invisible. It's like there's a 1,000-foot invisible Tyrannosaurus rex destroying the planet in Aspen's name.

In 2007, I attended a Sopris Foundation conference titled “Innovative Ideas for a New West” in Montana. There were more good ideas in that conference for switching courses in the American West than I've seen anywhere else. One presenter gave a presentation explaining how the house of cards would soon fall and entitled, unprepared, angry, unskilled, fly-over Americans were about to be very upset about the new dynamic and the price of gas.

According to gasbuddy.com , the cost of a gallon of regular at the Shell on Main Street is $6.39. There's a lot of headroom there, and they could triple it and not many folks would blink an eye. No one who works in Aspen fills up in town. 

According to my anecdotal observations, Americans are way behind the curve when it comes to responding to an environmental emergency. There are still glistening, brand-new  Dodge Ram 5500s rolling off an assembly line and eventually idling in front of the grocery store. It costs more than $140 to fill that puppy up in Aspen and get you 264 miles before you run dry. 

Remember, many cars and trucks are stolen when they are found unoccupied and idling. Just saying. And now homes are being burgled while they are unoccupied and full of expensive stuff. Desperation occasionally creeps into town, and burglars abhor a vacuum.

Yes, the world is upside down, and you don't have to look past Aspen city limits to see stuff going sideways. Rental vehicles are doing the parking ballet in a town without much parking. Service vehicles are pouring in to attend to vacant mansions, new construction projects and endless remodels. Temperatures are through the roof. Town trustees are trying to get a grip while realtors put on the pressure to keep it up.

The canary is smoking a Marlboro in the corner of the cage. Houses on the hillside are lit up with scanners, night lights and jumbo flatscreen TVs. Security guards with pickup trucks are patrolling empty neighborhoods and idling in the street. Criminals are in the bushes cutting off catalytic converters and breaking into homes on the second floor. The airport runway must get wider and longer to accommodate more, more, more.

Reach Steve Skinner at moogzuki@gmail.com.

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